1. “To be aware, is to be alive.”  (The Pirate joke)

During the 1700’s there was a young boy who would daydream about sailing the seven seas all day long, hoping someday to join the crew of a sailing ship.  Finally, at the age of 12 his mother allowed him to become a cabin boy on a frigate sailing during the summer.  While at sea the young boy noticed a rough looking swashbuckler, who had a wooden leg, a hook on is right-hand, and eye patch on is right eye.  After some time, finally the boy gathered up the courage to approach the old sailor, and stated: “Sir, I see that you have a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch; may I ask how they happened?”  The old sea dog replied, “well one day I was swimming off the Bermudas, and a great white came up and ripped me leg off, and now I got this wooden stump.”  Few years later I was sailing off the Carolinas, and a pirate ship overtook us, and while I was sword fighting with one scurvy dog, his partner came over and hacked off me right hand, and now I got me this here hook.”  “And me right eye, well a seagull pooped in it.”  The young boy, quite surprised about the stories became baffled, and stated: “but sir, how can a seagull pooping in your right eye cause it to be taken out.”  The old sea dog responded: “it happened the day after I got me hook.”

2. “Pride does not create winners.”  (The blonde on the airplane joke)

There was a high priced Los Angeles attorney that obtained a court case in New York and took a flight to the Big Apple.  When he was seated he happened to notice a beautiful blonde walking down the aisle, and found himself hoping she would sit next to him, which she did.  This attorney was quite proud and arrogant, and felt superior to most people, and also thought of himself as quite the ladies Man.  He introduced itself to the beautiful young lady and attempted to start a conversation, only to be met by awkward silence.  Finally, he stated that: “I am a very successful attorney that is going to oversee a large case in New York and I find myself quite nervous about the undertaking, and as such I will not be able to rest on this flight, but I thought maybe we could engage in a playful game of trivial pursuit, which might  take my mind off the case, and allow me to calm down and relax.”  At this point the lady politely said, “no, thank you I think I need to rest,” as she took the little pillow and started to lean next to the window.  Never to be outdone the attorney quickly retorted: “well to be honest with you I am actually quite good at trivial information, in fact, it might make it interesting if perhaps we wagered on this, but since I am so good let us say, if I stump you, you pay me five dollars; but if you can stump me, I will pay you 500 dollars.”  This gained the attention of the beautiful blonde who sat up and said, “Okay.”  The attorney said “okay let me start, how many miles is it from the Earth to the Sun.”  Without saying a word the beautiful young lady leaned down grabbed her purse pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to him.  Then she said: “okay my turn, what has 2 legs when it’s walking, 4 legs when it flies, and 6 legs when it lands.”  The attorney became quite baffled and could not think for the life of him what kind of creature this could be.  Originally, thinking that she would never be able to pose a question he could not answer he became mentally frantic at the idea of losing 500 dollars so easily upon her first question.  And he knew they would not be able to stop the game at that point and feared looking like a coward and potentially could lose all kinds of money to this beautiful blonde.  Finally, he said: “while that is truly fascinating, for the first time in a long time I have been stumped,” as he took out five 100 dollar bills and handed them to her.  At this point she took the money, placed it in her purse, took her pillow, and started to lean her head against the window again.  At this point quite surprised, the attorney said: “oh no, you do not get off that easy, you got to tell me what it is that walks on 2 legs, flies with 4 legs, and lands on 6 legs.”  The beautiful blonde without saying a word reached down to her purse and pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to him, then leaned on her pillow went to sleep.

3. “Things are not always as they seem.”  (The man in heaven joke)

One night an old man died and is taken up to the pearly gates.  He is met by St. Peter who took him on a guided tour of heaven, and during the walk advised him that according to his life on earth, and the way he lived, whether good or bad, it would determine how he lives in heaven.  A good man will have a good occupation, with a beautiful wife, and always have anything he wants.  But selfish men can look forward to being chained to an unattractive wife, have a mundane occupation, and always suffering mediocrity.  Finally, at the end of the tour, he was told he would have a job as a janitor, and was introduced to a very unattractive young lady who would be his new wife.  Standing in amazement, not knowing what to say, he noticed out of the corner of his eye one of his old friends who had died the preceding year, who was arm in arm with a young beautiful redhead.  In disbelief he said to Peter, why have I been given this woman when George over there, who was a much worse man than I, yet look at the beautiful woman that he has.  St. Peter replied, “What you are not aware of is what a terrible life she had lived.”

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“The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.”

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